Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
When your parents check you’re ok.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]