Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
the saddest jazz hands ever
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!