Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.