them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
a fate I wish upon no one
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Windows
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
