Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

lost dog

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.