them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.