@DrakeGatsby

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

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@stevevsninjas

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

@Rollinintheseat

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

@dreadnaught69

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

@P1ssed_K1d

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@thombodytolove

ubereats: u look hungry

me: ya

ubereats: but ur so fuckin lazy

me: ya

ubereats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered

me: ya

@KentWGraham

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

@bridger_w

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

@Awkward_Fun

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.

@TheHyyyype

ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away