I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
ubereats: u look hungry
ubereats: but ur so fuckin lazy
ubereats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*
GUY: hey thanks
[we start talking]
[thirty seconds later]
GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away