them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
me adding lol on a serious message
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.