Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Always a metermaid never a meter

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

This is my pinned tweet

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably