Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
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Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
It will always be this
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
how it started vs how it ended
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
