Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
You Might Also Like
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie