Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?![]()
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me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.