Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.