Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town