Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”