Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
But is it really??
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Autocorrect completely socks
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!