Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
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Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.