Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Meth is short for Elizameth.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

“I’m helping” 😅

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna