Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

Has there ever been a more American story?

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison