Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
ugh not again
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy