Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Bear knowledge

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.