THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
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“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
#Caturday
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘