Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
i will not be silenced
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media