Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month