them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Monday
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.