them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
smh
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.