Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
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me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”