Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride