Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u