Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
