Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The Friday File.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
