Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.