Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.