Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.