Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Me in tagged photos

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

🖕🏻👽

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.