them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.