Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.