Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
You Might Also Like
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
