Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah no that’s fair

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.