Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Bear knowledge

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

feetloaf

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

never compromise your values

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.