Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Wednesday
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao