Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.