Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Okey dokey.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.