Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
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Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
just leave it at the foot of the bed
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Natural selection at its finest
🤣
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Donkey Kong sommelier
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?