Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)