Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!