Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Love is in the air fryer.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My chiropractor is a crack addict.