Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.