them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
You Might Also Like
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities