them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Note to self: I am a note
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house