Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA