Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it