Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
road rage
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
When you don’t understand how floors work
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
You might just have to resign…
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?