Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
When he asks for feet pics
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
