Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”