Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.