Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit