Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

😂 amazing answer

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.