Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
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Wait a minute
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
could’ve been anyone
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?