Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

This meeting could have been a cake

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Best spoiler warning ever

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?