them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
screw you
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’