Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No