Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser