Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)