Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Customer is always right
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear