Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My five year plan is a meteorite
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.