Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Sending in my taxes
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Finally a use for spoilers…
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.