Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
mentally somewhere in italy
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.