Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]