Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
You Might Also Like
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.